It’s been a while since I’ve posted any of my writing here. I’ve been so focused on my essays for class that I haven’t done much introspective writing.
Today I don’t know what I'm going to write. It’s 11:36 p.m. on a school night when I’m starting this. I certainly won’t be done until the morning of valentine’s day. I should be in bed and I should be asleep but There's just some things that I need to get out there and into the world. I've got a lot of thoughts right now none of them are particularly constructive or good but maybe this rambling text will become something coherent by the end of it.
I guess the first thing on my mind is that I feel like there are people who I should be able to call my friend and that I would maybe like to call my friend but either I'm not putting in enough effort or they just don't like me or who the hell knows. There's just not that connection there and there's something missing. It makes me feel bad even though I know it shouldn't make me feel bad. And that’s the worst type of melancholy cause it sticks in your teeth and digs at your gums until you bleed and there is a faint taste of iron in your spit. But it's just as much their fault as mine, at least I want to think it is. Because it also makes me feel bad for my friends who are there for me. Who don't make me question where I stand with them and that I know that I can trust. It feels like it isn’t fair for them that I'm questioning my friendship with others more than developing our friendship.
I think another part of it is that I tend to have these Cycles. I start hanging out or interacting with a group of people and you know things start off good. I like the people, they like me and then I start getting overwhelmed. And when I get overwhelmed I shut down and when I shut down I retract, pull back, isolate. Then through no fault of their own they move on and they keep connecting and forming those bonds with each other. Meanwhile I'm just not engaging in that group and that means that I fall out of the circle.
It's been, at this point, over 750 days since I last went on something that I could call a date. That has been kind of hanging around me. That I haven't been able to have that type of connection in a long time. That's just how it goes though there's some context in there and most that has been during a pandemic that is devastating this country. But such a round Milestone number of days, and the realization that it's over 2 years. That just has just been staying with me. Because I know that my value isn’t determined by that. But maybe those 750 days are a monument to the realization that there's work that I have to put in if I want to live the life I want to live, and if I want the people around me to be able to live the type of life that I think they deserve. 750 days it's a hell of a lot of days. And this isn't to be on any sort of incel bullshit that women don’t want to date me cuz I'm a nice guy or bullshit like that. And I certainly don't want pity or anything like that. I understand that the problem isn't in the women that I am interested in. I'm not concerned about being dating material or anything like that. I'm just concerned that I’m not where I'm supposed to be and it's causing issues. I can't be in the right headspace to pursue that type of stuff if I'm not happy where I am and if I'm not willing to put in the work to be happy where I am. It’s a very realistic possibility that I go another 750 days before I go on another date.
I always, always, always try and remember that history is for the living. It really truly is. I guess I need to remember that love is for the living as well and that relationships are for the living and that I need to live. I need to do what is necessary for me to finally take the leap. I need to breathe in the air and smell the flowers and take the steps that all lead me to wherever I'm going. There is a proverb that “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” I think that's the biggest thing. Maybe a streak of 750 days ends with a single step. Or maybe a single sentence, who knows.
I don't exactly know what the right term for what I'm going through is. Could be alienation, could be seasonal affective disorder finally coming around and kicking my ass like it always does. I might just be here, writing through a sad moment. That's okay. I hope that when I go to bed and I wake up in the morning and I just go throughout my day that I'm going to feel better. I don't think there's any guarantee of that, but maybe the hope for it is all that I need.
Happy Valentine's Day y’all.
With Love, Aaron
